Extraordinary relationships by Roberta M. Gilbert

Author:Roberta M. Gilbert
Language: eng
Format: epub, pdf
Tags: Interpersonal relations., Social interaction., Family psychotherapy.
Publisher: Chronimed Pub.
Published: 1992-08-05T16:00:00+00:00

THE IDEAL — SEPARATE, EQUAL, AND OPEN

may easily be taken as the problem. One of the partners is “the sayer” and the other “the listener.” Verbal communications stay one-way for the most part. The overfunctioner takes the part of chief communicator, with communications taking the forms of telling, advising, preaching, teaching, or explaining.

It is clear that a fourth characteristic of communicating well must be mutuality. A measure of mutuality might be that each partner speaks and listens about an equal amount of time, over time. Another measure would be the degree to which people can talk to each other while remaining responsible only for self and the communication of self’s own ideas.

In reality, it is surprising how often couples will describe many years of their relationship as “good” or “satisfying” to both parties, even though careful history-taking reveals optimal communication to have been sadly lacking all the while. This phenomenon illustrates how effective patterns in an emotional system can be at calming anxiety. The relationship patterns, along with their ineffective communication styles, can serve to maintain an equilibrium for many years.

From examining the four relationship postures, then, a description of the elements of optimal communication in an emotionally significant relationship can be derived. It is the direct, verbal, mutual, and nonreactive give and take of relevant ideas.

This kind of communication is the expression of a high-level relationship, and it facilitates attainment of an even better-functioning relationship. While it is possible to see that communications are symptomatic of the relationship patterns, they also exert an effect of their own upon the relationship, so they are well worth working at.

Tistening is fifty percent of the communication process in an ideal relationship. Tistening is active. The best listeners seem to have an ability to mentally “get in the skin” of the other, yet keep utterly calm and quiet so as to better understand what is said. (They can also quickly get back out and into their own skin.) It is impossible to have high-level communication unless both partners are skilled listeners,

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